AITA for asking my 36m partner not to have 19f friends.
My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years. We have children together, live together, and have an almost 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship which makes this whole thing weirder since she’s so close in age to his new “friends”.
Recently he changed careers and decided to go back to college, which was my recommendation in the first place. I love this for him and support him fully.
However, long story short I caught him hanging out with a woman at the college and took her out for her birthday dinner and paid $78 for it. He didn’t tell me about this, I found out by his story not lining up and asking more questions then looking into it. We worked through it and he apologized. He said he feels like the dad on campus and felt like it was a nice gesture to pay for her. I think not. He also told me he couldn’t remember her name.
Fast forward to 2 months later and I catch him talking to a 19 year old girl from the program, he mentioned something about a pretty blonde that plays Minecraft that we should invite to our realm, I asked what her name was and he said he didn’t know, so I asked my friend who is also in the class and he told me her name, that’s when I discovered my partner has her on fb. When I asked him how he has her on fb yet doesn’t know her name it seems like he’s avoiding telling me? I asked to see if they talked and he deleted the conversation so I never got to see what was said. She is now dating a 20 year old from the program so now they all hangout as friends, even after school. He thinks it’s okay because she’s got a partner now.
Last, there was a bunch of photos uploaded from the program on the schools social media and I saw my partner with a bunch of people so I asked them who they are to match a face to the names and stories he tells me. And he told me it’s none of my business. This triggered a severe panic attack. He eventually told me who everyone was after I explained I just like to be in the know so that I don’t find things out unexpectedly like I did in the past and feel hurt. He said he hangs out with a few of the girls and of course I look them up and they are all 19. I also found out that he follows them on social media.
I can’t just tell him not to talk to people in the program because I don’t agree with that, however I do want full transparency and boundaries because I’m not cool with him hanging out after school or talking online/social media to 19 year old women. It doesn’t sit right with me.
For context I am NOT a jealous person, I do not go through his phone, I do not have his password. But those two incidents with him hiding stuff has made me insecure and suspicious and I’ve asked him to help me gain it back by being trustworthy but it will take time.
Statement of Facts:
OP and her 36-year-old partner have been together for 8 years, have children, and are raising OP’s 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.
Partner went back to college and started befriending 19-year-olds.
First red flag: He took a female classmate out for her birthday, paid $78, and never mentioned it until OP’s detective work uncovered it. His excuse? “I feel like the dad on campus.”
Next incident: He talked about a “pretty blonde” classmate but didn’t know her name—even though OP later found out he had her on Facebook.
More suspicions: He deleted their conversation before OP could see it.
Now: He continues to hang out with 19-year-olds after school, follows them on social media, and when OP asked who they were in a school event photo, he responded:
"It’s none of your business."
This response triggered a severe panic attack in OP.
OP doesn’t want to control who he talks to but wants full transparency and reasonable boundaries.
The AITA Court of Public Opinion is Now in Session.
The Plaintiff’s Case (OP’s POV)
Trust is built on transparency. The issue isn’t that he has friends—it’s that he’s hiding things and deleting messages.
A 36-year-old man hanging out with 19-year-olds after class? Questionable. That’s a major age gap, especially when OP’s daughter is only 5 years younger than these “friends.”
The secrecy is the problem. If it were truly innocent, why lie about knowing their names or delete conversations?
OP isn’t being unreasonable. She isn’t asking him to stop socializing—just to be respectful of their relationship and stop acting shady.
The Defendant’s Case (Partner’s POV)
He’s just being friendly. College culture is different, and he’s trying to blend in and be social.
Nothing inappropriate is happening. These are just classmates—not romantic interests.
OP is overreacting. He shouldn’t have to explain every friendship or feel like he’s under surveillance.
He deleted the messages to avoid conflict. Not necessarily because there was anything bad in them.
The Verdict
🚩 The friendships aren’t necessarily inappropriate, but the secrecy and deflection are.🔥 Trust isn’t just about what you do—it’s about how open you are about it.
If there was nothing to hide, why delete messages, refuse to say names, and dismiss OP’s concerns? This isn’t about jealousy—it’s about respect and emotional security in a long-term relationship.
Final Judgment: Partner gets a 🚩🚩🚩 YTA (You’re The Asshole) until he stops acting shady and prioritizes trust.
Sentence: One mandatory deep conversation about transparency and a hard boundary: No more sneaky, unnecessary “campus dad” relationships.
What’s your ruling? Is OP being reasonable, or is she overreacting? Drop your verdict below! ⚖️🔥
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YTA
NTA
ETA
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